A group of writers in Chichester coming together once a month for inspiration, collaboration and sensation

It’s Haiku, Jim, but not as we know it.

Chapter 1 – Birth

I kicked my mum’s tum
To prove I was alive and
Stop the abortion

Yes, her tits were nice
And helped me grow up fast as
I sucked and sucked them

One day dad walked out
Cos she needed only me
I didn’t miss him

Chapter 2 – School

My first day at school
Wasn’t a complete success
And that’s being kind

The teacher told me
Not to come again unless
I liked endless pain

But I got him back
Lying about misconduct
To the headmaster

Chapter 3 – Adolescence

I could hardly tell
How many drinks he’d swallowed
And so I bought more

I found him outside
Beyond all hope of reason
Lying in the street

I tried to lift him
But he was far too heavy
And so I left him

Chapter 4 – Work

On Monday I woke
To find it cold, wet and grey
And went back to sleep

Then I woke again
And realized I was late
And stubbed my toe hard

My boss went ape shit
And gave me the sack right then
Now I’m unemployed

Chapter 5 – Marriage

She was in the pub
When I caught her eye and thought
How nice she looked then

Gosh! She liked me too
We tied the knot and had kids
And then it went wrong

One day she left me
Though claimed I’d left her years back
And she took the kids

Chapter 6 – Retirement

So, they kicked me out
Glad to see the back of me
I never liked them

Just a small pension
Keeps the damn wolf from the door
Until I snuff it

And I spend my days
Surfing porn online, oh yes!
Exercising it!

Chapter 7 – Old Age

I’m all wrinkly now
And porn will not make it work
So I just sit here

Grumbling about things:
My teeth, the young, politics
It’s not that much fun

Sometimes a nurse comes
And tucks me in while I gawp
At her nice big tits

Chapter 8 – Death

My daughter found me
In a pool of piss and shit
She still has nightmares

I left her some bills
And my dirty magazines
She has burnt them all

Then she had me burnt
And scattered my remains on
Her new allotment


About Peronius

An ape, clinging to a ball of rock, lost in a void, trying to smile.

4 comments on “It’s Haiku, Jim, but not as we know it.

  1. helenjbeal
    July 19, 2012

    Hahaha – I laughed and laughed reading this – so simple and yet so… dysfunctional. Hilaire.

    • Peronius
      July 19, 2012

      Thanks – glad it tickled you. I enjoyed writing it. I might add another couple of chapters between now and our next meetup. By the way, I love the picture: it’s just right.

  2. mauledbypuma
    July 21, 2012

    Very funny! I also like the underlying sense of pathos throughout which fleshes out the character portrayed in the haiku.

    My favourite bit:

    “And I spend my days
    Surfing porn online, oh yes!
    Exercising it!”

    Especially the “exercising it” part. Totally unexpected and made me laugh out loud!

    • Peronius
      July 21, 2012

      Thanks! Great idea you had, introducing us to Haiku.

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This entry was posted on July 19, 2012 by in Poetry.
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